For no apparent reason, I am back, yet again feeling tired, while sleep alludes me. With no more thesis to write or books mandated to read, one would think sleep would find me much easier. Nope! Graduating with my Masters has left somewhat of a void that has been filled with nonsense. I have a list of hundreds of books, yet I have only read what scholars would deem garbage. Why? Because I can. I have also gone, dare I say, weeks all together without reading any book. Shame... Shame... Why again? Because I am spent at the end of the day, yet I can't sleep.
I suppose my most recent excuse would be my wonderful little boy who finds it amusing to play soccer with my bladder. Yes, that is right, another male to add to the Willden Brood. Little Mister has no name as of yet. It seems funny to me. Calliope for so long was going to be Gillian, yet there is no way that Gillian would have worked for her. Jared and I have tossed around tons of names, and nothing has stuck. Sure, we have our favorites, but with Calliope it was so organic and, well, it just fit. It was as though she had always been Calliope, and it would be ridiculous to call her anything else. As always, people have offered their opinions and suggestions, but nothing has even come close.
I suppose it is good thing that he will not be here until February. I remember my anxiety over Calliope's arrival and how truly afraid I was. Now it seems like I have always had her, and now I couldn't tell you what I would do without her. She is my little shadow, and although, I may not show it all the time, I adore her constant questioning and companionship. Five minutes of bathroom time alone is a feat, but I wouldn't have her any other way.
My new fear is not that I will make a suitable parent for our new addition. I have managed to keep Calliope in one piece and alive for over two years, which is no small victory as fearless as she is, so I think I can do it again with our new little one. My new fear is how my sweet little girl is going to react to having a little brother. As previously mentioned, it has been "The Calliope Show" for over two years now, what will she do when she has to share 24/7? How will she react when I can't just drop what I am doing and cater to her every whim? I worry what she is going to do when I have to go the hospital. How will she react?
I am sure my anxieties are silly, but I can't help but worry that she will feel neglected and abandoned. She has been my world since the very moment I found out I was pregnant with her and has only grown as I have watched her become a beautiful little girl. Oh, how her world is going to change!
I am sure she will be fine and that my worries are all for not. I was told about Mother's Guilt, but no one could have prepared this already over worrier for the worry to come. Inhale, exhale...
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